Twilight: The Final Battle
by badocelot
Summary: Wherein the heroes of Twilight deal with normal teen angst whilst battling to save the entire universe.


**Twilight: The Final Battle **

It was a perfect plan. Just beautiful . . . perfectly befitting my sly fox mind.

"Oh, Bella!" I called, coyly. Bella was the girl of my dreams, the most perfect, most beautiful foxlette in all of Forks. I would have hated this town even more if she hadn't been in it.

First period had just let out, and Bella was, for once not being been loomed over by that creepy Edward Cullen. I didn't know what she saw in him. Sure, he was handsome . . . beautiful, even — at least for an almost-albino ocelot. I had to give him that. But he was hands-down the creepiest guy in the whole school.

Bella looked up and saw me. Why was I bothering her, she wondered. I called again, closing in on her. "Bella! I was wondering if you could help me with something."

With a roll of her eyes, that betrayed her inner conflict, she looked up and acknowledged me. "What can I help you with, Theo?" She gave me a kind of half-smile that meant she wanted to be helpful but didn't want to be bothered.

"I'm having a lot of trouble with geometry, and you're doing so well in that class, I thought maybe you could help. We could maybe meet over lunch?"

"*Sigh* Sure."

"Great!" I said, smiling ear to ear. :-D

At lunch, we looked over the geometry, though I was only half paying attention.

"Are you even interested in this?" she asked, exasperated.

"Not nearly as much as I'm interested in you, Bella."

Her eyes narrowed and her faced clenched, clearly angry that I'd used such a sly ploy as a pick-up tool. I started having second thoughts about this plan, but I decided to put a little faith in my own slyness.

"Bella, ever since I saw you, I've been madly in love with you. I know you're like all into Edward, but srsly, what does he have that I don't?" I was just hoping the answer was not a bigger schlong.

"He's kind, and he's nice, and he respects me," she said, angering flushing her eyes. "He treats me like a woman."

"I could do all of that and more!" I exclaimed. "Bella, I am just so madly in love with you, I don't know what I'd do without you. Please, at least go out to the movies with me this Friday. Just once! I'd do anything, and if you don't want to see me ever again after that, I promise I'll never even speak or look at you again! Please!" I hated to beg, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

I knew from the start that Bella had a soft spot for me. I could see it in the way she moved. The signs were just perfect. She was so into me.

"Fine," she said.

That Friday, we went to see Saw 5, and amid all the gory violence on the screen, I confessed my undying love for her. I could see her get more and more relaxed around me, letting her guards down, making room for me in her heart. "I love you!" was all I wanted her to say. That she felt the same way I did about her. That she would do anything to be with me, just like I'd do anything to be with her. But she sat in silence throughout the movie, obviously thinking of how to escape her true feelings for me, not wanting to betray Edward but also not wanting to betray her innermost self.

At the end of the movie, I told her I loved her, and she broke into tears. "I'm sorry, Bella . . . I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's not that," she said, her tears running down her perfectly-shaped pink snout. I expected her to say more, but she kept a golden silence.

"Bella, let me take you home," I said. "I'll never bother you again. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would hurt you so. I promise to never do it again, never even think about asking you out or even talking to you. Please, let me make this up to you. You want some ice cream before I take you home? Do you like Orange Sherbet?"

She shook her head. "I hate Orange Sherbet, and besides: I just want you to take me back to your place. I love you, Theo! I love you so much! and I want to make love to you all night."

My heart jumped for joy! We got into my car, a '08 Camaro, and we started heading back to my place. We weren't even there before she started giving me head. The feel of her warm tongue and breath on my manhood was so delicious, just perfect. When we finally got to my place, I ripped the clothes from her, and we made sweet love all night long.

The next morning, we were awoken from sweet dreams by Edward Cullen breaking down the door. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!1?" he yelled, and I started to run but decided since I'd just die anyway if I ran out into the streets with no clothes on and people saw me, I decided to stand and face him.

"Edward! She's my girl now! Not yours!" I cried as valiantly as my faint heart would allow me. "Stand aside, and you won't get hurt!"

"ROFLMAO!!!" he yelled. "You hurt me? You have got to be kidding." He clawed at me with his right front paw, but I dodged. As I did, my life flashed before my eyes: high school (excepting last night, ugly memories all), elementary school, preschool, nursery . . . then I heard Edward gasp. Bella had bitten his arm.

"What are you doing, Bella?" he cried, tears forming in his eyes. Bella was crying, too.

"I love him!" Bella said, bawling. "I love both of you!"

Edward kept crying. "I'm so sorry . . . what have I done?" I started crying, too.

Finally, I said, "Maybe we could all just . . . share?" I felt stupid for suggesting it, but Bella's eyes lit up.

"Really? Would that be OK, Edward?"

Edward frowned, but thought about it. "If that's the only way I can have you, then I'll go along with it."

"Thank you so much, Edward," Bella said. "You know I love you so much."

Edward smiled. "Still, two guys and one girl . . . that's kind of weird, even for a vampire."

"It's like with the Mormons, but backwards," Bella said. Somehow, that seemed to make Edward feel better about it. At least there was precedent, sort of.

"So . . . who's up for a threesome?" I suggested. Their paws flew up into the air. Edward quickly took his clothes off and we all consummated the new, beautiful threelationship. I felt things were going to go perfect from now on.

* * *

A few weeks later, we were all sitting at the cafeteria when we were approached by a girl wearing all-azure clothing and sexy glasses. "May I sit down here?" she said. "I'm rather new, so I haven't got a regular seat yet, and you three look friendly."

"New kid, eh?" I said. "What's your name?"

"Marsha," she said. "What's yours?"

"I'm Theo," I said, "and this is Bella and Edward."

"It's rather good to meet you," she said. She was skinny, a little gangly, though the overly-loose sweatshirt and sweat pants she was wearing did a good job of hiding it. Her eyes told a story that was mostly one of loneliness: home-schooling plus overly-protective parents. High school was going to be rough for her.

"So, your parents just move here recently?" Bella asked. It made me think of how Bella had had trouble adjusting to high school here. Maybe Bella could help Marsha?

"Yes," Marsha replied. "My mother and I moved her just yesterday. My father left us a couple of months ago. He didn't like the fact that we converted to Raelism."

"Raelism?" I asked. "Isn't that like Scientology?"

"Not really," she said. "We believe that Elohim and the other major religious figures are actually people from another world. They created us using science, and soon they're going to re-establish contact with us."

I could see Bella and Edward's eyes glaze over. "That's fascinating," I said. "You're Dad's sounds like a dick for leaving just because you and your mother changed religions."

"Dad was a devout Catholic," she said. "He stayed a little while at first; I think it was when Mom and I stopped wearing clothes at home that he couldn't take it any more. Sad, really."

I don't know about Bella and Edward, but I had stopped listening after "I stopped wearing clothes at home."

"You say you . . . what?" Bella said. I wasn't sure if she was offended or just shocked.

"We don't wear clothes at home. In our religion, sex and nudity are holy. So we try to get all the shopping down by Friday evening so we don't have to go out Saturday and Sunday. Fewer clothes to wash."

I blinked, hardly able to digest all of this. Bella's mouth was hanging wide open, and Edward had a look on his face that said he was suppressing an erection.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Marsha said. "I know that our lifestyle is unconventional. I didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable."

The thought crossed my mind that she would make a great fourth partner, but I quickly squashed it. Bella spoke: "No, no. If that's your thing, you go girl."

The lunch bell rang and we all went to class.

* * *

Marsha ended up graduating valedictorian. As she was giving her speech at graduation (" . . .and remember, the key to success is to please yourself, because your own two hands will always be much safer and more reliable than others.") a small flying saucer was landing behind us at the 15 yard line. We all turned about to see it.

The doors opened and a bearded Frenchman — or an alien who looked remarkably like a bearded Frenchman — came out. He was completely naked, and had a rather respectable dong. "People of Earth!" he declared in an accent that had echoes of French, Afrikaans, and Chinese. "We are the Elohim, and we have come to bring you new technology and good news!"

Marsha bust out in the broadest smile I've ever seen. "I KNEW IT!" she shouted. She ripped off her graduation gown and ran toward him, butt naked, squealing like a teenage girl at Jonas Brothers concert. "You have finally come! I can't tell you how happy I am to see you!"

The rest of us were glued to our seats. I saw a number of other students getting really angry about the whole thing. The Bible Club members went back and forth between shooting evil looks at the guy because he was committing blasphemy and averting their eyes because he was naked. The Druids' Club members looked perplexed, but seemed to approve of the nudity.

The Frenchman spoke again: "We are here to help you all! Come, shed your fear and celebrate!"

I got up and walked that direction. I figured what the hey. Bella and Edward were close behind.

"Are you sure you want to have anything to do with this guy?" Bella asked.

"No," I said, "But I figure if that's his ride, can you imagine what kind of gun he's got in the glove box? I doubt it'll matter whether we go or not."

"And if he's telling the truth, we might even score some lewt," Edward offered.

Bella nodded. "Alright, but . . . " She was cut off by the Frenchman.

"Ah, Theo! Bella! Edward! I've been expecting you!" he said. We all looked at each other, wondering how he knew our names, then realizing, oh, right, he's an alien. "You three and Marsha, come with me. There is something important you must see."

We all followed him into the saucer. Marsha was still grinning ear to ear. When we were all in the airlock, the hatch closed behind us. The airlock was a perfect white, every feature of it. A computerized voice intoned, "Commencing decontamination. A white mist, the same perfect white as the room, rose from vents in the floor. The room felt terribly humid, and the mist began to obscure our vision until we couldn't see anything. Finally, the mist faded, and we found we were all as naked as the Frenchman and Marsha.

"Was that really necessary?" Bella asked, annoyed.

"Yes," was all the Frenchman had to say.

The door to the airlock opened, and our eyes were treated to the sight of various garish colors. Red, fuschia, green, orange, yellow, light blue, lemon, lettuce, turnip . . . so many I thought I was going to puke, but decided against adding vomit to the mix.

The Frenchman gave us a tour through the ship — the cockpit, the dining room, the restrooms, and finally to the bedroom. Everyone on the ship shared the same room. Why not? We were all naked all the time, anyway. The room was the same mix of garish colors as the rest of the ship. Marsha quickly jumped into the bed, looking back at the rest of us invitingly.

"Is this all you wanted us to see?" Bella asked, more annoyed than earlier.

"No, no, of course not," said the Frenchman. "What I want you to see is just outside the ship now.

He lead us all back to the airlock. The hatch opened to a view of red-on-red desert. "Where are we?" Edward asked.

"Mars," said the Frenchman. "Now follow me."

We walked for about two hours. It was incredibly hot, but not very humid. We sweat profusely: fortunately, the Frenchman had brought some "water-capsules"; little pills that filled our stomachs with water. I couldn't help noticing how the coat of sweat made Bella and Marsha's skin shine so beautifully; nor, it seemed, could Edward. (Dammit, he did have a bigger schlong than me. :-/ )

We eventually arrived at a camp that looked like an American Indian tribe outpost or something. There were a bunch of people there. That's when I saw Jacob Black!

"Jacob!" I exclaimed. "What are you doing on Mars?"

"Visiting my great-great-great grandfather," he answered. "My people, werewolves, are originally from Mars."

"Wow," was all I could say. How do you respond to learning something as breathtaking as that?

Jacob lead us into a small tent, though it was fairly roomy inside. An old man was there, sitting cross-legged. "This is my great-great-great grandfather," Jacob said. "Gramps, this is Edward, Bella, and . . . what's your name?"

"Theo," I said. "It's nice to meet you, sir."

He was obviously very old, but strong like an ox. His skin was wrinkled like a prune, but he lifted himself from the floor with perfect grace. I hoped to be so healthy when I was his age. He spoke: "It is good to meet you all, young ones. Jacob told me that you'd be coming. I hate to say it, but the world is in grave peril, and only you can prevent terrible disaster. And so, even though I hate to place this burden on your shoulders, I must ask you to retrieve the fabled sword, Excaliber, so that we may together kill an evil unlike any other."

"Excaliber?" Edward said. "That's just a fairy-tale, old man."

Jacob gave Edward an evil look. "How dare you . . . !" he started, but the old man stopped him.

"Calm down, Jacob. These people have a right to question. I'm sure it all sounds absurd, but Excaliber is no mere legend. I know, for I was of old known as King Arthur, king of Camelot, guardian of all Earth."

Our mouths dropped in perfect unison. King Arther? A werewolf? Well, I guess it made as much sense as anything. Legends are often distorted over time, inconvenient details left out or extraneous ones added. It used to be thought that vampires couldn't go out in the sun.

Arthur continued: "When I retired, I gave Excaliber to the Great Dragon. He took it to the edge of the solar system, where he lives on a small asteroid. Here, I will give you a map . . . " He took a small roll of parchment from his belt and handed it to me. It was a map of the solar system. At the very edge was a small red "X" that showed where the Dragon's asteroid was. Another "X" . . . a green one . . . was just off of Jupiter.

"What this green 'X'?" I asked.

"That is the location of the terrible evil you must vanquish. After you have gotten Excaliber, we shall travel there and dispatch the evil there."

"Well, we'd better be going, then," said the Frenchman. "If we head back now, we can get to the asteroid by morning."

We left the tent and walked another two hours back to the ship. I wondered why it had to park so far away? but decided that it probably had to do with no violating werewolf holy ground that was sacred to them.

Back in the ship, and tired from the walk, the six of us — me, Bella, Edward, Marsha, Jacob, and the Frenchman, all crawled into bed. We were two tired even for a quick sixsome, though I seem to recall Marsha fondling the Frenchman, just dreamy-eyed at finally meeting her religion's high-up mucky-mucks.

* * *

Anyway, when we woke, the ship was hovering over the Dragon's asteroid. We all went to the airlock, and this time instead of stripping us naked we were directed to put on space suits. Since it was the edge of the solar system, it was extremely cold and the asteroid had no air. The suits were a perfect white, just like the airlock room.

Once we'd put on the suits, the hatch opened and we took a flying leap to the asteroid surface. The place was gray and dark, and I wondered how a dragon could possibly live here without air or water or oxygen, but I figured it was because he was magical. Then again, for all I knew he was a she.

It didn't take long before we found a large hole leading into the inside of the asteroid. It was even darker inside, but the Dragon breathed flames onto a torch, which lit the place up for us. The dragon was huge and an ugly brown with flecks of the most beautiful green. I just hoped he wouldn't give us any trouble.

"Why are you here?" he snapped. "Answer! Before I burn you to a crisp!"

All my muscles tensed, and I swallowed, hard. Jacob spoke first: "We were sent by my great-great-great grandfather, King Arthur, to get Excaliber so that we can defeat a great evil."

"Well, now . . . that's a . . . space-horse of a different color," mused the Dragon. He busted out laughing at his corny Wizard of Oz reference. It always annoyed me when people were so corny and then laughed at their own jokes.

"So, will you give us the sword?" Edward piped up.

"I'm . . . not sure. Can I . . . trust you?" the Dragon said. "Can you prove to me, that you are . . . indeed who you say you are?"

We looked at each other curiously. Could we? How could we prove that King Arthur had sent us? The map! I handed the Dragon the map. "Arthur gave this to us," I said, smiling to have something to show him.

"Hmmm . . . indeed," the Dragon said. He breathed flames on the paper, which refused to burn. "Dragon-proof paper, and . . . " He sniffed the paper strongly. "I smell Mars-dust. I believe you." He rose from his seat and took a beautiful sword from a trunk in the corner.

"This," he said, pausing for effect, "is Excalibur. It is a weapon, forged by the Old Gods, and imbued with power by my flames eons ago. I give it you, in trust that you will . . . use it well."

"Thank you so much!" Marsha said. "Now, let's get back to Mars and get King Arthur so that we can kill the evil!"

We all climbed back into the saucer and headed back for Mars. But before we got there, the saucer received an incoming message. "Sir!" said the pilot to the Frenchman, "We're getting a signal from someone named 'James.' Does that ring any bells?"

"James!" exclaimed Bell, Edward, and Jacob at the same time.

"The most evil douche-bag in the universe," Edward said. "Let's go teach him a lesson."

"Ya, definitely," said Bella, with an evil grin.

"Where's it coming from?" the Frenchman asked.

"One of the moons of Jupiter," said the pilot.

"Oh, no! It can't be!" I said. "James is the great evil we have to kill?"

"Should we keep going to Mars or go straight to the moon?" the pilot asked.

Edward snarled and said, "I'm gonna kill that asshole. Let's go get him now!"

"Arthur specifically told us . . . " Marsha started to say, but Bella interrupted her: "We've handled James before. Let's just go take care of him, and spare the old man the trouble." We were all agreed, and within moments the ship arrived at the moon.

* * *

We left the ship with Excaliber. On the middle of the moon we found a huge temple, ornate and beautiful. Perfect Gothic architecture, with light beaming out through huge stained-glass windows. The windows depicted obscene scenes, blasphemous scenes with devils and demons and their worshipers doing disgustingly obscene things. (Admittedly, I did take mental note of some of the positions that looked kind of fun. Should I be ashamed of myself?)

We charged into the temple, where we saw James dressed in black and red vestiges, like those of a priest during Mass but more ominous and evil-looking. "Hello, Bella. Edward. Jacob. And you other three," he said. "I'm afraid I haven't had the pleasure of making your acquaintance? Ah well, it won't matter for long."

"We're here to kill you, and we've brought Excaliber!" I shouted. Edward and Jacob both snarled, their faces and bodies tensed, ready for action.

James moved aside, revealing a beautiful naked chick chained to the temple's alter. She was so beautiful, with perfect lily-white skin and perfect blonde hair. The altar itself was grotesque, gray stone and bloodstained with ugly horns coming out at all angles. It was then that I noticed that James was holding a hideous (but kind of cool, in a hideous vicious way) knife, ready to sacrifice her to dark powers.

"You'll never get away with this!" I screamed, and charged at him. As I swung, he vanished in a puff of smoke, appearing behind the altar, knife ready to stab the girl.

"You fools!" He brought the knife down, piercing into her cleavage, into her heart. She convulsed as blood came from her wound and her mouth. James grinned, wider and wider, until his mouth seemed to split his face in two. His teeth her hideous, sharp fangs, and his skin was a hideous shade of ivory white. "Fools! For you see . . . I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!!!" With that he ripped the toupee from his head, revealing who he really was.

Voldemort leaped fifty feet into the air, sustained by magical forces. Lightning burst in a halo around him. He aimed his wand at me, then Edward, not sure who to kill first. A wicked grin crossed his face, and he began saying the spell that would be our certain doom.

Feeling a sudden rush of strength, I looked at Edward and winked. He leaned down, hands cupped. I stepped on his hands, and with an upward thrust from him leapt into the air at an astonished Voldemort. His face had a look of horror as I ran him through with Excaliber. "Take that!" I yelled. "You'll not be killing my friends or troubling the world any more!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!" he cried. "This can't be! I can't be dead. Blast you! Blast you all! I could have been ruler of the Universe! I could have had all the women in the world! I could have . . . " He broke into tears. " . . . I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I put you all through this." He hit the ground with a thump.

I could see Bella was crying. I went over to her and took her into my arms, then switched to the other side and started giving her a neck rub. "It's OK," I said. "He chose his fate."

Jacob looked at the body of the girl. "Is she dead?" he asked.

Edward and I went up to her. I felt her pulse. Nothing. I nodded to Jacob. Edward howled angrily, and sunk in fangs into the girl's heart. He injected his venom into it in a desperate attempt to save her. We waited. We were about to give up on her when suddenly we saw the wound heal and she leaped from the table with a shout of joy.

"Wow," I said. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it."

"Good job, Edward," Jacob said.

"Are you OK?" Bella said. She nodded.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Star," she said.

"How'd you get here?" Jacob asked. "Why was James trying to sacrifice you?"

"I . . . I don't know, exactly," she said.

"Maybe he slipped her a date-rape drug," Marsha suggested, matter-of-factly.

"I wouldn't put it beyond that jerk," Edward said. Jacob and Bella nodded in agreement.

"No," Star said. "Oh, I remember him saying something about needing one more sacrifice to gain ultimate power!"

"Ugh," I said, biting my lip. "Good thing we stopped. It could have been too late if we'd gone back to get Arthur." Everybody shivered. That was a very scary thought.

"OK, so I guess we're done here?" the Frenchman asked.

"Yeah, I think we are," I said.

"Then let's get back to the ship. I'll have to destroy the temple with the lasers."

"That's great!" I said.

"Oh, I'm so thirsty," Star said. I bit my lip. I'd let Edward and Bella tell her about that when we got back to Earth.

* * *

Back on the ship, we all stood in the cockpit, watching the view-screen as the pilot fired two giant purple lasers at the temple. It exploded with a tremendous boom that shook the moon. After that, we headed to the quarters, where we had possibly the most perfect sevensome ever.


End file.
